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OF THE WEEK
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom."How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" The Wife then replied, "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Tip #1:Remember How They Laughed At You. If you're a typical science geek, people probably made fun of you in high school. If not, somebody has surely made fun of you at some point in your life. Recall that rage, let it bubble to the surface, and allow it to fuel your evil schemes.
Tip #2: Come Up With a Plan. Now that you feel a boiling hatred of humanity, decide how you'll show them all. While your skill set will determine exactly what kind of mad science you practice, you need to decide up front how you'll turn your evil genius into extra income. Will you hold the world hostage with your Doom Ray? Use your army of genetically enhanced wombats to rob banks? Sell your robot assassins using an infomercial? Knowing these sorts of things up front will greatly decrease your odds of slipping up and being foiled.
Tip #3: Dress for Success If you want to be a mad scientist, you need to look the part. If you don't already have them, buy a lab coat and either some thick glasses or goggles. Either shave your head or stop combing your hair. Last but not least, practice your evil laugh until you can emit the perfect unsettling cackle.
Tip #4: Set Up a Laboratory. Once your plan is in place, you'll have to set up a workspace in which to perfect your evil invention. While underground labs and Antarctic fortresses are nice, scientist on a budget will probably be limited to a spare bedroom, garage, or storage unit. In addition to the equipment needed for your experiments (which will depend on what branch of science you practice), you'll need a Tesla coil. It doesn't serve any practical purpose, but it shows visitors that you mean business.
Tip #5: Find Minions. Unless your building your own minions (robots, cyborg apes, etc.), you'll probably need to hire some mooks. The type of minions you hire will depend on resources and personal preference. Each type of minion comes with advantage and drawbacks. Petty criminals work cheap, but are a superstitious and cowardly lot. Ninjas are quiet and don't eat much, but tend to be rather sulky. Make sure your minions have the abilities and attitude required to help enact your particular master plan.
Tip #6: Show them. Show them ALL! If you've followed these instructions up until now, and aren't a complete crackpot, your plan should be foolproof. Just to be sure, though, try implementing it on a small scale first-for example, hold a town hostage before contacting the U.N. This will help you work out any kinks in your scheme.
Feel free to send contributions or suggestions to email@example.com
Q:submitted by: Carl
So last night my girlfriend, or exgirlfriend, called me from Las Vegas and broke up with me over the phone. Today, she called me back and apologized saying it was a mistake. The thing is before she left to Vegas we got into a verbal disagreement about our differences. We've been dating for a bit now and I love this girl, but I dont know what to do here. Should I take her back?
Dear Carl, I have a question for you. Are you a babysitter in your day to day professional life? I mean, How old is this girl? She sounds like she hasnt left high school. I say let it go. A person willing to break up over the phone, text or email is obviously immature. Not only that but I think, in my opinion, that there is more to the story on her behalf. I have a friend who breaks up with his girlfriends when hes about to cheat. His theory is that if they are not dating at that time hes free to do as he pleases. Your chick is in Vegas, calls you at night and breaks up with you only to call you in the morning to patch things up? Sounds shady to me buddy. The only thing I can tell you is what I would do, and thats Let Her Go! Plus there will be that riff in your relationship from now on and she'll play the drama card more than once. Good luck babe!
CLIP OF THE WEEK
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Malaysian police have arrested a Lebanese man allegedly carrying fake currency with a face value of $66 million after he tipped a hotel staff with a $500 note, an official said Friday.
The largest U.S. note currently in wide circulation is a $100 bill. But police found bundles of $1 million, $100,000 and $500 notes in the man's hotel room in Kuala Lumpur on Sunday, said Izany Abdul Ghany, head of the city's commercial crime unit.
Hotel staff alerted police after a housekeeper received a $500 note tip and found out it was fake when she tried to convert it to local currency at a money changer, Izany said.
The man could be charged for possessing counterfeit money and, if found guilty, face up to 10 years in jail, he said.
The largest U.S. note ever printed was a special edition one for $100,000 in 1934. Bills of $500 were last printed in 1945 and are now no longer in wide circulation, according to the U.S. Treasury Department.
This is not the first time the man has been in trouble with the law in Malaysia, Izany said.
A Malaysian court charged him last week with cheating over the sale of office supplies in 2005 in a separate case. Cheating, or fraud, carries a maximum penalty of five years.
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