After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, Dumb Ass. What did you think I said?"

Q: submitted by FGS

I've been with my girl for a year as of today. We're very much in love and are throughly enjoying our time together. Unfortunately we live about 35-40 minutes apart, and don't get to see eachother to often. Usually when we do spend time with eachtother, we end up fooling around (duh). But 98% of the time "fooling around" just means that I finger her (No sex yet, we are both 18 and parents are always floating). Now, on a good "fool around" day, I'll get a hummer. But here's where my problem lies...SHE SUCKS! And NOT in a good way! I mean, she's so bad, it's to the point where I'm not at a full throttle erection. Don't get me wrong, I'm no guru in the sack, but she gets off DAMN good whenever I please her. I take pride in giving my girl genuine, memorable orgasms. I read womens magazines and do my homework. So what's the deal? Do I just wait it out? Do I talk to her? And when I masterbate (6 times a week-ish) I do the "full-fisted pull the skin over itself" method. No lube or anything. And it's always to porn, with visual stimulation. Is that hurting my cause? When she pleases me, she's always got a shirt on. I don't see any boobies or anything. Please man, even if you don't put this in Sublime Times, gimme a repsonse, I NEED HELP!!!

A:
you are a step ahead of the game young grasshopper...making sure to please a woman is rule numero uno when it comes to getting max vagina factor in life. now it is only fair that in return you get complete satisfaction as well. what we must first determine is the cause for your lack of full erection. at any point in your fooling around do you have a full erection? if you are only seeing this girl once in a while your schlong should be raging hard at some point with her. if you are starting off with a full erection and then in the midst of getting a bj you are losing it then your girlfriend may indeed need to adjust her bj techniques. the key is to get her to try a different style without making her feel like she is doing something wrong. the best time to do this is in the heat of the moment. for instance maybe she is sucking way too fast...just a blur of cock inhaling and it is just too much. while she is sucking on your piece you could softly, erotically whisper in her ear something like "suck on it slow baby..just hold it in your mouth." or maybe "tease me a little baby...drag your tongue slowly all over my cock." the key is to shake it up a little until you find what you like best. a little visual stimulation doesn't hurt either. i love seeing a nice thong flossing a nice round pair of ass cheeks. maybe tweak her nipples a little too while she is blowing you. if she is laying on the bed perpendicular to you while she is giving you a bj you could finger her a little at the same time also. the thing to remember is just continue to experiment with different styles and don't feel rushed. take your time and enjoy the moment..you still ARE getting blown after all. the other possibility that we need to address is that it may not be her sucking style. it could be the enviroment you are in..trying to bust a nut with parents lurking around is not the most relaxing way to have an orgasm. if thats the case then you just need to find another place to start scamming. you must also address the possibility that getting blown isn't the best way for you to get off. i for one prefer a combo handjob/blowjob for busting a nut. i can not even bust a nut with just oral unless i have gone without sex for like 5 or more days. add whacking the day before hooking up and it could be even harder to orgasm with just oral. oh yeah..that brings me to the porn. whacking all the time is perfectly normal..it is not hurting your "cause". whacking is a natural stress releif and people that don't do it turn into crazy people (you can quote me on that one). i would, however, in your case refrain from a whack the day before seeing her..just to be extra ready. once you get a older and master the art of the erection you could whack off when ever and still be ready for a lengthy session. btw, i also use the technique you do. i think any true pro ditches the lube and goes mano y mano (or should i say mano y pene). now go over to your girlfriends house..relax, take your time, experiment and have fun. after all you are partaking in life's greatest pleasure..its super bowl xxxvii and you are now qb at the beaver dome my friend.

-JD