this guy is driving along the highway and gets pulled over. the officer comes up to the car and asks if he knows why he was pulled over. "yeah i was speeding the man said. okay," the officer says," can i see your license and registration please? no sorry, i don't have it on me," the driver says. "can you show me proof of insurance? yeah", the man says," it's in my glove box next to my gun. you have a gun in your glove box?" says the officer. " yes i do," says the driver. " is there anything else you want to tell me?" the driver thinks and says, " yeah i have the gun so nobody steals the weed under my back seat and the cocaine in my trunk. really" says the officer, " hold on a minute." the officer goes back to his cruiser and calls for backup which quickly arrives including the head lieutenant. the lieutenant approaches the car and says to the man," do you have any identification i can see? yeah," the driver says and readily pulls out his! license and registration. " open your glove box," says the lieutenant. the driver does this and pulls out his insurance card. the lieutenant gets the card and looks at it. he then proceeds to check the back seat and sees nothing. "open you trunk" the driver does this and the lieutenant finds nothing. hey goes back to the front of the car puzzled and says, "I'm a little confused, my officer called me for backup and said you had no identification, you had a gun in your glove box, you hide weed in your back seat and cocaine in your trunk, and that doesn't appear to be the case?" the driver looks up at him and says, "i bet that son of a bitch told you i was speeding too!!!!!!!!"

Q: submitted by Roger.

This may not be the typical question you get but since you are a "doc" I thought you might be able to help me. My problem is that I am skinny as hell and even though I work out I can not gain muscle. I've tried every pill at GNC and nothing helps. I'm ready to just give up all together. Please tell me that you can help me. By the way I LOVE the site!

A:
you are in luck on this one! i've been into working out since i was 15 and i think i have gotten it down to the perfect balance of effort and results. as you get older time management becomes a serious issue and i think working out 5 times a week is just not feasible for many people. i'm going to describe a regimen that should put on plenty of muscle and is a good way to bulk up. the single most important thing in gaining weight is EATING. this may seem obvious enough but many people over look it. you need to eat at least every 3-4 hours. anymore time in between and your insulin will not be behaving like you want it to. you HAVE to eat when you wake up and you HAVE to eat before you go to bed. i have a met-rx with two servings of egg beaters mixed into it and a banana. i know there could be better things but this is something that does not take long to prepare and will do the trick for bulking up. for your meals through out the day always eat a protein and a carb..never just a carb. try not to eat fast food all the time b/c it has too much fat to digest and there is no way you will be able to eat every three hours. as for your workout regimen you are going to work out hard, heavy and fast. on monday do two exercises for a total of 4 sets for chest, 2 sets of one shoulder exercise, 2 sets of one tricep exercise and calves. on wednesday do two exercises for a total of 4 sets for back, 2 sets of one bicep exercise and forearms. on friday do 6 sets of squat, 2 sets of stiff-legged dead lefts and calves. all exercises are to be done in the 6-8 rep range with the exception of calves and forearms for 15-30 on them. you may notice that you are probably doing far fewer sets per body part than most people in the gym but most people in the gym look exactly the same year after year! since you are doing fewer sets you can push yourself much harder. as a great one once told me "you can tap a stick of dynamite all day long with a pencil and it does nothing, but hit it with a hammer and watch out." there is a lot of truth to this statement. just look at the contrast in physiques between a long distance runner and a 40 yard dash sprinter. also stick to dumbbells and barbells as much as possible. since your body is forced to balance them, as well as move them, they are much better for growth. as for supplements...just take a good multi-vitamin if you don't eat vegetables and take creatine, its the only supplement that causes noticeable results. if this doesn't work there is always steroids that you can get over the internet. j/k ;-).

-JD