For The Week Of 08/02/2004
Happy with all the porn you are taking off sublime.. time to give something back...
This week's sublime times features more jokes, cool sites, cheat tips, and of course
Sex questions... all of them for you by you... Of course we will sweeten the pot and throw
world famous sublime T-shirts and hats if we use your submission on ANY of the sections below...
Email entrees to Please give us feedback too!


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...." "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Extreme Kidnapping -Girls Look Good!
Clowning For Christ -wtf.
Crime Library -Good Read!
Olsen Twins -And Outkast!
Suicide Quiz -You Get 30 Seconds.
Moon Rider -Game Of The Week!
Tip and Trick of the Week
Need help with your lawn. A great homemade fertilizer is soda pop. Just spray some coke on your grass and watch it get greener than the cash you saved in your pocket.

Q: submited by Nomar
I've tried speed dating a few times, but haven't had much luck. How can I impress a woman in the 3 to 8 minutes allowed?

Don't underestimate how sexy a touch of shyness can be. Think about it: every man in the place is trying to wow the ladies with his cocky elevator pitch. You, on the other hand, could be the guy who smiles sweetly, makes direct eye-contact with her for a few seconds, then looks down at the table and says, "So, how many martinis does it take before I start getting better at this?" In speed-dating, there's an immense amount of pressure to trade as much information as you can in the time allotted, which is exactly why refusing to be frazzled will make you stand out. Be genuine, soft-spoken, casual, and ask her questions that simultaneously reveal something about yourself (like if she's ever been to your favorite restaurant in town, or if she's heard of the last book you read and loved). When time's up, she'll be more attracted to the vibe she got from you than if you had both ticked off a bunch of facts. As for appearance, dress as nice as you would on a real first date. But, the truth is, if she doesn't think you have a cute face, an Armani suit won't make a bit of difference.


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Playing With Your Balls!

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The 41-year-old left British police powerless by using his legal right to escape prosecution over the alleged indecent assault at a party in West London. One police source, with knowledge of the case, said: “It is incredibly frustrating. It was a very serious allegation but there is nothing further the police can do about it. “The ridiculous thing is that if anyone was convicted of something similar in Saudi Arabia, the offender would probably be beheaded.” The alleged sex assault happened at the Holland Park home of another diplomat, who works at a different nation’s London embassy. The Saudi is said to have gone into a bedroom and molested the young girl during the party last Sunday night. Police were called soon after and the envoy was arrested early on Monday morning. But detectives were forced to abandon interviews when the suspected paedophile claimed immunity under the 1961 Vienna Convention. It states that diplomats do not fall under the criminal jurisdiction of the country in which they are serving. Once the Saudi’s status was confirmed, he was released. Last night the Metropolitan Police said: “We can confirm a 41-year-old was arrested in connection with an allegation of indecent assault on an 11-year-old female overnight. “The man has diplomatic immunity. Consequently he was released.” The Foreign Office said it had informed the Saudi embassy in Mayfair. A spokesman added: “We are studying the police report.” Last night the Government was expected to call on the Saudis to waive their man’s immunity. But unless the Saudis agree, police are powerless to take further action. It is not known whether the diplomat is still in this country. The case is the latest in a string of alleged crimes in which envoys and foreign royals have escaped prosecution. Last available figures, from 2002, show 21 serious criminal offences went unpunished in 12 months. Embassies also ran up £1.5million in unpaid parking fines and rent. Last night John O’Connor, former head of the Met’s Flying Squad, called for an investigation. He said: “There’s been a history of misbehaviour by people entitled to diplomatic immunity. There should be a full and thorough review.”

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