For The Week Of 08/20/01
Happy with all the porn you are taking off sublime.. time to give something back...
This week's sublime times features more Jokes, cool sites, cheat tips, and of course
Sex questions... all of them for you by you... Of course we will sweeten the pot and throw
world famous sublime T-shirts and hats if we use your submission on ANY of the sections below...
Email entrees to mailto:webmaster@sublimedirectory.com?subject=stimes. Please give us feedback too!

JOKE OF THE WEEK

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.” Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.” They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?” “Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked. “I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said. “Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said. “And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.” The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.” The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?” “Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly. “No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”
SITES OF THE WEEK
Ex Girlfriend Gallery - ABC's of your ex.
Judge Babes - How drunk do you have to be to lay this one.
Car Wrecks! -The Ferrari makes you want to cry!
Homer Simpson - Hero for Everyman.
Crazy Drunk Guy - Prank Calls.
Pictionary - Win Lose and Draw!
TIPS & TRICKS
Free Stuff
Tired of spending big bucks on tires for your car? Now, as long as you own the car, you should never have to pay for tires again. Most major tire store chains offer some sort of road hazard warranty. You know, the kind of warranty salesman grease you into buying that typically covers you against damage resulting from Nordic swordsmen and little else? Well, when you finally break down and buy new tires, be sure to purchase this warranty along with them, because the company will replace your tires for a nominal fee if you get a nail stuck in the sidewall. (It must be the sidewall for replacement). About once a year, pound a nail into the sidewall of one of your tires and go back to the store for free or nearly free replacement. You can get all four tires replaced by taking one tire each to a different location of the same store. I have a sports car that goes through tires almost yearly, and haven't paid for tires in almost 4 years.
ASK DOCTOR JD

Hey Doc JD,

Q: submitted by Monk

Dude! I need Ur Help! Im a 23 Year old Dude at Chapel Hill (go Tarheels) and I cant please a women at all! This will be the 4rth Time I have sex, and I really wana please this chik. How do I make her cum till her knees knock! I need ur help, or I will have a unsatisfied women with Man Cum on her face! Help!

A:
thats weird....chapel hill is where my dad is from. dad is that you? no j/k. ok..lets get to business here. pleasing a woman is a serious matter. making her cum hard will actually kill two birds (or should i say beavers) with one stone. first she will think of you as a real man and second chiks talk...you definately want to be marked as the man that can deliver a bevy of orgasms. the first thing we need to do is determine the kind of girl we are working with here. does she have a hidden clit, medium exposed clit, or monster exposed one inch clit. they all require a different plan of attack. i am going to assume she has a medium clit and kinda stay in the middle of the road here (i will attack the two extremes in some later sublime times issues if someone requests). there is one theme we need to keep in mind while making a woman cum....tempo. women take a lot longer than a man to get going and especially to cum. plus, they have to be comfortable with themselves and you in order to get in the O zone. now...lets get started on the plan you are going to follow. you are going to start off with kissing...nice and slow for a good 5 minutes. don't try and pull her tonsils out either...nice and relaxed. towards the end start with some nice petting. tweak the nipples and massage her boobs a little. now go down and play with her nipples a little. your hand, mouth, tongue...use them all and take your time..another 5-10 minutes on this area. now reach down, while you are playing with her nipples, and gently stroke her pussy. really lightly and slowly. do this for a good ten minutes and really tease her pussy. don't spend too much time on the clit area...just lightly rub the whole area. now it is time to peel off her pants and give her some oral pleasure. again take your time...do not flick your tongue over her clit at a million miles per hour right off the bat. tease the whole are for another 5-10 minutes before you even pay attention to her clit. after a while it will be time to step it up a little. i'll tell you two techniques for now(i can not give up all my secrets). one way is to imagine your tongue to be the flame of a candle. let your tongue flicker all over her clit the way a flame flickers...alternating between light licks and hard licks. the other is to do the letters of the alphabet with your tongue on top of her clit. on both techniques you need to pay special attention to her breathing. the tempo of your licking should match the tempo of her breathing. slowly build up speed and pressure as her breathing begins to pick up. about half way through slip on one finger in with your palm facing up. gently rub the roof of her pussy with your index finger (and make sure your nails are clipped!). keep the finger movement and the licking going at a steady pace. don't stop until her breathing really begins to pick up. at this point you really need to increase the pressure with your tongue (unless she has one of those super huge clits like i was talking about before but that is a whole other issue) but keeping the tongue focused on the clit area. your tongue should not be going back and forth more than a TENTH of an inch. after a while (i've seen as little as a couple of minutes and as long as 45 minutes) her whole body is going to start to pulse and start to cum...don't loose focus! as soon as she starts to cum slow down just a bit. after a moment speed it up again and then slow it down again. using this technique you can keep her coming for several minutes. after she has cum all over your face give her a few minutes of really light, soft licks..this will give her a nice cool down. now this is just one technique of many...there is a time and a place for rough and fast but this is a sure thing for now. intercourse? those techniques i will save for a later issue....but try this out and let us know how it goes. remember...you show that cooter who's boss!

-JD

 
CLIP OF THE WEEK
This is our special section that will bring you a new sublime clip every week. It will either be filmed by us or sent in by you guys.


Blew Up?!?!
 
 

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STRANGE NEWS HEADLINES
Richard S. Markey, 44, convicted in Hartford, Conn., of defrauding investors of $4.8 million, wrote U.S. marshals in April that he thought he had presented a strong case for his innocence and that therefore he wouldn't be reporting to prison as scheduled on May 2, but rather was going to a relative's place near Syracuse, N.Y., and that if he didn't hear anything more from the marshals, he would consider the case closed. (He did hear from them; they looked him up and re-arrested him. During his trial, Markey had described himself not as a "person" subject to the laws of the U.S., but as a "sovereign," and besides, he claimed the charges had to be dismissed because the prosecutor had spelled his name in all-capitals on the indictment.) [Hartford Courant, 5-16-01]

 
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This Weeks



Last Weeks

Winner
"she learned the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering!! " -Crown
Runnerups
"China's new mandatory form of birth control for newlyweds" - Bryan
"Soon Yi chose to blow her head off rather than marry Woody!" -Mc Bosky

Archived Issues:
| 06-18-2001 | 06-25-2001 | 07-02-2001 | 07-09-2001 | 07-16-2001 |
| 07-23-2001 | 07-30-2001 | 08-06-2001 | 08-03-2001




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