| JOKE OF THE
WEEK |
|
There's a farmer with a herd
of pigs and he wants to have a really good litter, so he calls the
local vet and asks his opinion. The vet tells him to artificially
inseminate them to get the best results. Well the farmer not being a
bright guy thinks this means he has to fuck the pigs himself. So he
asked the vet what the pigs will do if it works, and the vet says
that they will roll in the mud the day after. So the farmer and vet
end their conversation and off goes the farmer to try and get some
pigs pregnant. The farmer loads them all up in the truck and takes
them down to the river and bangs everyone of the pigs, loads them up
and brings them home. He wakes up in the norning and they arent
rolling in the mud, so he gives it another go. So the farmer and the
pigs load up and head down to the river. By the time he is done he
is quite tired and decides that he will try it one more time and if
it doesnt work he is gonna have words with the vet. So he wakes up
and no rolling in the mud, takes the pigs down to the river for one
last round. By the last one he cant even walk, he gets home and
falls right asleep. The next morning he cant even move and his wife
asks him whats wrong, and he asked her to go to the window and see
if the pigs are rolling in the mud. Well she comes back with a
puzzled look on her face and asks whats wrong and if they are
rolling around, she says no, but the pigs are all in the truck and
ones honking the horn. |
| SITES OF THE
WEEK |
| Tribute -
for the victims. |
| Kids
Feelings - Kids express feelings!
|
| World Cries -
Vigils Around The World! |
| Charity!
-Give to the relif fund!
|
| Kill Bin Laden - Shoot
Him Kingdom Come. |
| TIPS &
TRICKS |
| Look Sharp! |
| Not the most secret tip, but
definitely one of the more useful. Gotta a big date, a wedding, or
some other fancy event. If you need to iron your clothes, make sure
you hang your clothes in the bathroom and either take a hot shower
or let the hot water run. As long as the bathroom door is cloased,
the steam will remove the wrinkles from your shirt, pants, and suit
(dress too), without the ironing hassle; and if the shoes need a
shine, use a small towel and the inside of a banana to get that two
dollar shoeshine luster u can only get from a pro. |
|
ASK DOCTOR
JD |
|
Hey Doc JD,
Q: submitted by
A
I'm 20 years old, and recently became engaged, then
unengaged. I was with the girl for 15 months, being engaged for the
last three of them. Well, to make a long story short, one day, she
quit putting out, then shortly thereafter quit talking to me, then
moved out. . . She gave me one of those "I don't know myself
anymore. . . " lines, like we've all heard, then the world famous "I
don't want or need anybody else right now. . . " Next thing I know
she's dating this other guy, and it drives me absolutely fucking
nuts. I try talking to her, but that gets me nowhere but more pissed
off, as I tend to find out more shit that I didn't want to hear.
Worst of all, no matter how hard I try, I can't get her out of my
head. So here's the question: How do I get over her??? Everybody has
a different idea, and I've tried them all, partying my ass off, lots
of booze, all sorts of other "refreshments" so to speak, meeting new
people, meeting new women, banging new women, (the whole broken
heart/lost the love of my life thing works pretty well. . .;), but
no matter what I do, if I'm alone for more than 5 minutes, I almost
lose it. Tweek pretty well kept my mind off her, but anybody that's
ever been there knows that stuff is NOT FUCKING GOOD FOR YOU. I
don't want to nor can I afford to go to a shrink, and as for zoloft,
prozac, etc, I don't want to have to do drugs. People argue with me,
but I say just because Dr. Johnson perscribes it to you and you're
not buying from "Wade the Blade" down the street, it's still a drug,
and makes you into someone you aren't. So help me out here Doc, I
read your column regularly, and you seem like you know your shit.
What do I do to put her out of my mind??? Too much longer, and I'm
not going to have much of a mind left.
|
|
A:
first off let me tell
you that you are better off without this girl. a two faced person
that can develop a whole other relationship while still going out
with you is definitely not one you want to be with (which is what
had to be going on if you ask me). or even associate with for that
matter (rule 1 to a happy life, don't surround yourself with shitty
people). so don't even think about wasting your time calling this
girl! plus, she will get what is coming to her. like i always say
"you reap what you sow." karma in one form or another is very real
and as long as this girl keeps doing shit like that life will
continue to bite her in the ass. keeping that in mind lets go over
some of the other things that may have been affected as a result of
this breakup. namely...sex and companionship. you are probably going
to miss the fact that it is a little easier to get some trim at 4 in
the morning when you already have a girl in your bed but that comes
with both pros and cons. plus you mentioned that you have already
banged some other chiks so you have been successful at keeping the
baby batter off the brain. so the only problem you are left with is
when you are alone and used to having someone to talk to..we have
all been there. you could get a new girlfriend..but why bother, have
some fun and go solo for a while. being single is great..you just
get lonely once in awhile. so how do you have your cake and eat it
too? a dog. ever man should have a dog. it is one of the most
special bonds you will ever have. i love them so much because they
are not jaded by the world...they have the most pure hearts. so what
sex and what kind? for the sex..female, hands down. they are sweet
hearts, look to you for protection and you can only have one pair of
low hangers per household (at least in mine). now the breed is a bit
more of a challenging question. i have had all kinds of dogs and i
have become partial to mutts and boxers. mutts always have the most
amazing temperament and are usually pretty smart. boxers are so
pretty and are so sweet. they do tend to be a little hyper though. i
could go on for days on this subject but let me just give a few
suggestions. get a dog that is small enough to live inside your
house or apartment and not destroy it and get a short haired dog.
the most important thing is to not get one if you do not have the
time to take care of it. so if you have the time i think you should
start looking around for a beautiful baby puppy. i can promise you
the next time you are alone at night and you have that baby puppy
starring you in the eyes the last thing you will be thinking about
is that chik that sold you out
-JD |
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|
CLIP OF THE WEEK |
|
This is our special section that will bring you
a new sublime clip every week. It will either be filmed by us or
sent in by you guys. |
|
Get Ready!
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to view clip: right click mouse and
choose "save target as" option. save the file "miss.mpg" to your
desktop. once downloaded simply double click the new "miss.mpg" icon
on your desktop to watch the movie.
Bombs Away!
Video
contributions or suggestions to mailto:webmaster@sublimedirectory.com?subject=stimes_video.
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| NOTICE
TO TERROISTS |
| Congratulations on your
success in killing innocent people, you no doubt would still
send the planes to their destruction even if they contained
your mothers, sisters, and daughters. Your ability to destroy
life is deplorable, not applaudable, understand that your
actions have not succeeded in scaring even one red-blooded
American. Every reasonable person on this world can plainly
see that your actions are those of desperate, depraved people,
and if not for our overwhelming desire to collectively rip
your blackened, rotted heart out of your bodies, we would
indeed feel pity for people such as yourselves. Is there an
empty feeling inside you that just cannot be filled, have you
ever know the love of your own mother? It's a shame because
you didn't need to destroy life to try and fill that void
within you, for all would-be terrorists, know that there is an
easier alternative. If the emptiness within you ever becomes
so powerful as to pull you towards a path of eternal
destruction (self or otherwise), try this remedy: 1. Move to a
land where people are free to think and feel what they want, a
land where the citizenry is united, and while they're not
immune from petty bickering, they still live and breathe as a
nation, a land where every citizen is important, and can make
a difference. 2. Work, function, and live in this land for a
short while, feel the warmth of your neighbors, strike up a
conversation with your local merchants, invite your friends
over for a barbeque, and watch your children simply be
children, feel an innocence in them that can only be exhibited
by a child conceived and raised in love, and in freedom. 3.
Finally realize the life that only a country with the
conditions mentioned above can provide for you. Admittedly, it
sounds tough, but with a strong commitment, and a lot of elbow
grease, you can rid yourself of the notion that violence is
the only way of life, because it isn't. Continuing with my
original thoughts, I again speak to those of you who committed
these acts. Know this, understand this, let it seep into every
nook and cranny of your conscience, your only escape will be
your demise, and I'm not sure how much of an escape it will
be, because the shedding of your mortal selves will only
signal the beginning of an eternity of damnation in the
deepest crevices, of the fieriest hell imaginable. Have no
doubts about the resolve of the greatest nation in the world
to not rest until you have been hunted down and exterminated
like the vermin you are. No stone shall remain unturned, and
the shadows in which you hide will not provide adequate
shelter for you and your fellow cowards. I cannot pretend to
speak for every resident of the United States, but I believe I
can speak for every red-blooded American, if you ever grow any
resemblance of male genitalia, the next time you see a
red-blooded American, approach him, not just women and
children who don't see you coming. You will know us when you
see us, a dead give-away is the American flag we fly with
pride, don't let its awesome presence intimidate you, please,
approach us, and try to stick the knife in our fronts this
time, and learn what true power is, as we methodically tear
you limb from limb. We all pray for the souls of those brave
Americans who have lost their lives to this despicable action,
and despite your actions, we still take comfort in knowing we
live in the greatest nation on this Earth. - By A Proud
American!
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