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OF THE WEEK
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
With energy costs rising, it is becoming more important to find ways to save money on electricity. For some simple savings, unplug appliances when you’re not using them. TVs, DVD players, video games, and most home appliances continue to draw power even when they are turned off. According to the U.S. Department of Energy, leaving idle appliances plugged in can use as much as four times more energy than if they were only plugged in while in use.
Lower the power settings on your computer. If you are using a desktop computer, shut off the monitor when you get up or alter your computer’s settings to go into standby mode after a few minutes of inactivity. Laptops already use substantially less energy than desktops, but you can still save a bit of power by switching a few settings. Laptop users can reduce screen brightness, set the screen to turn off after a certain amount of time, and close the lid to activate standby mode when it is not in use.
Driving the speed limit can save you as much as thirty percent more gas and money than speeding (or, when rationalizing, “keeping up with the traffic”). Patricia Monahan of the Union of Concerned Scientists claims that the ideal fuel-efficiency speed for most cars is between 45 and 55 miles per hour. When it comes to rolling down the windows versus putting on the air conditioner, the breaking point is about 45 miles per hour. Below 45, roll down the windows; above 45, the drag created by opening the windows winds up using more energy than simply turning on the AC.
Going to even the next step, now that gas prices are averaging more than four dollars per gallon, public transportation has become a far cheaper option than driving your own car. This is especially true for drivers with a long commute to work. If it is available in your area, taking the bus to work can drastically lower your gas expenditures; plus, you will be relieved from having to deal with rush hour traffic.
To save money on groceries, the best thing to do is avoid shopping while hungry. When you’re surrounded by food and on an empty stomach, your sales resistance is at its weakest level. If you go grocery shopping shortly after eating, you should be able to avoid most of the regretful impulse purchases you would have made while hungry.
Because of its perceived convenience, fast food can be the biggest waste of money in your food budget. Beyond the veritable health nightmare that is a grease-based burger and fries combo, fast food can strain your pockets too. Fast food lunches can run twenty to forty dollars per week, depending on where you live, where you eat, and what you order. Try making your own lunch. A loaf of bread and some sandwich meat will run you far less than a week at the fast food joint. Making your own lunch for even a day or two a week can cause a dip in your expenditures.
The next time you feel the urge to send a text message, stop, count to ten, and look around you for a computer which can just as easily send an email that doesn’t add to your cell phone bill. Most major carriers have taken advantage of consumer love for text messaging by hiking rates. Picture messages, which have similarly gained popularity, are also more expensive than regular text messages. Also, remember that you are charged for both sent and received messages, making the costs add up quicker than you may realize. Save yourself the nuisance of an inflated cell phone bill and keep the messaging to a minimum.Feel free to send contributions or suggestions to email@example.com
I use my fingers to pleasure my fiancee. When I start doing it faster and harder I'm afraid I might damage something inside by using so much force, and a few times my nail has made her bleed from inside. We are planning to have kids and I'm really hoping this won't cause any future problems?
I certainly understand how it can be easy to get carried away in the throes of passion, but remember: The point of using your fingers is to help pleasure her, not maul her. First things first, make sure you keep your nails short and tidy if you know that they’re going to make frequent visits to your fiancee’s genital region. Once you’ve taken care of those hang nails, approach her sensitive spots with soft caresses rather than brute force. The trick is to start off slow, gauge her response to your touches and then apply an increasing amount of pressure as she desires it.
While your forceful finger tactics obviously won’t cause her any real internal damage (don’t worry: You don’t have access to her uterus, so she can still have children), you can make it painful and/or uncomfortable for her if you insert your finger too deep or accidentally scratch any of her sensitive spots.
CLIP OF THE WEEK
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a new sublime clip every week. It will either be filmed by us or
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Kid Dislocates Shoulder Jumping Off Deck
ANDERSON COUNTY — A Belton woman, who admitted to drinking, faces an October hearing in Anderson Municipal Court after she struck a vehicle, sped through a construction zone and stopped when she reached an Anderson bar, authorities said.
Loretta Tollison, 52, of Stevenson Drive was ordered to pay a fine of $262.50 or spend 20 days in jail after pleading guilty Friday to public intoxication.
Judge Ken Mattison allowed Tollison to sign a $1,152.50 bond and told her to return to court Oct. 17 to hear charges of leaving the scene of an accident and a temporary work-zone violation.
Officer Jada Burgin testified that Tollison was found about 9:30 p.m. Thursday at the Passing Time Bar on Williamston Road. Tollison’s Chrysler LeBaron was found in the bar’s parking lot with extensive front-end damage and its air bag deployed, according to the incident report.
During Friday's appearance, Tollison tried to explain.
“I told police that I did not understand that they were working at night,” she said. “There were no lights.”
According to the incident report, the Chrysler hit another car that was stopped for highway construction on U.S. 29 North. The impact spun the other car 180 degrees and pushed if off the highway and into a convenience store's parking lot, the report states.
“The driver of the Chrysler continued through the construction site, disregarding the construction workers directing traffic,” the report states.
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