A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile. “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” “Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

Q: submitted by VZE

Alright Dr. JD.. I have a problem on my hands as everyone else does, but my problem isn't gettin the girl of my dreams... It's keeping her, you see.. Ever since we've gone out, I don't like when she smokes weed, i mean i dont care about the occasional blunt or couple bowl packs, but it's who she chooses to smoke with, now this girl has given weed up for me, something she's done for years, and when she goes to chill with all her old friends about 5 towns over, i can't help but to feel insecure because I don't want her smoking just to spite me for the fact that i get pissed at her for doing it, im so stuck on what to do, i just get too in-secure about this shit, and i can't just make her choose her friends or me.. help!

A:
i have to say i might be a little bit jaded on this one. i have been known to twist one up every now and then. it doesn't matter though..i would still give you the same advice if i didn't. the problems you are having are part of a much bigger topic. namely trust and insecurities in a relationship. they are usually on each other like flies on shit, ho's numbers on stall walls, split stream piss on public toilet seats..you get the picture. i think the fact that you realized your problem with your girlfriend smoking weed raises out of insecurities is a positive thing. sidebar..people that are honest with themselves are usually the easiest to help/advise. you have to realize that you can not give your girlfriend rules, especially ones as arbitrary as not being able to smoke weed. it is not going to do anything anyways. what was the first thing you did when you parents told you not to do something? you need to work on the core of the relationship so that the level of trust between your girlfriend and you is so high that something like that wouldn't even cross your mind to bother you (unless of course she turns into a blithering idiot when she smokes weed..but i do not think that is the case here). if you give your girlfriend the attention she needs, make her cum hard at least once a day and are not a pussy you have nothing in the world to worry about! take this philosophy with everything else you do in life. take care of business, do what makes YOU happy, don't do anything to hurt people and don't sweat what anyone else says or thinks for a millisecond. if you have all your shit in check and you are confident in yourself your girlfriend will not know what to do without you. so don't worry about the little things my friend..take comfort in the fact that you are the creator of the world around you and can make anything happen that you want to. as a wise man once said "There's a force in the Universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen and be the ball. Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny."

-JD